My mom's accidental drowning in Hakone, Japan Oct 24, 2016
It’s been 7 years since my mom’s death while on vacation in Japan. She passed out in 18 inches of water in a hot spring pool in the early mornings before she was leaving Hakone, Japan with her boyfriend. They were supposed to meet in the lobby, but an hour went by, and she didn’t come out. By the time he sent someone in, she had drowned.
I was in Target near Monterey, CA shopping for my 2-week trip to Kauai and Maui, Hawaii. I answered an unidentified call and a man screamed “your mom is dead”. I thought it was a joke since I just saw her a week prior in San Francisco, CA. I stood in the middle of the aisle in shock and tears started pouring down. Is this true? It was.
I immediately called my brother in San Francisco, CA, then my younger sister, also in San Francisco, but I could not get a hold of her. I wasn’t speaking to my older sister at the time. Then, I called my son. I was in the area watching his college golf tournament at Pebble Beach, Monterey, CA. I ran outside to my car crying hysterically and screaming. How could this have happened to me? You always hear about accidents overseas while on vacation, but I never thought I would experience it. I haven’t been able to go shopping in a Target until recently.
My brother communicated the news to my older sister in San Diego, CA. She contacted the US Embassy in Japan. My son and I went to the Monterey Aquarium to take our minds off it. My mom’s boyfriend sent pictures of my mom dead on the table. I was shocked to see it. It would have cost 25,000 USD to bring her body back to the US, so we all made travel plans to go to Japan in 2 days to cremate her there and bring her ashes back.
The entire trip to Japan was a blur. I was taking Xanax constantly. I was having trouble making sense of it all. We visited Hakone, Japan about 2 hrs. from Toyoko by train, and saw where she passed. I was shocked how shallow the hot spring pool was. Her body was transported to Toyoko, an autopsy was done and concluded that the cause of death was drowning. But why did she pass out face forward? She was diabetic and we think she had a silent heart attack but we will never know for sure.
We were in Japan for a week. I watched her lifeless body go into the crematory, and I watched her ashes and bones come out. Next step was the Japanese Bone Ceremony where they sifted through the ashes and put her bones in a jar from leg up. The vocal cord was placed at the top. They asked if we wanted it which is tradition in the Japanese culture. The bones were turned into ash so we could take her back to the states. Her ashes were released in Sausalito, CA by the Golden Gate Bridge.
My mom and I had a tumultuous relationship. I was the 2nd daughter/middle child. I lived in the shadows of my 14 months older sister. I was rebellious, partied and did not study very well in high school. I never wanted to be home because my parents would argue all the time about money. My dad was laid off from GE Aerospace and was gambling every weekend in Atlantic City, NJ to try to make money to support the family.
As most Asian parents are, they wanted you to go to a prestigious university. My sister went to Cornell University. Since my grades and SAT scores were not good, I went to Drexel University in Philadelphia, PA which was near home. Since they were stressed financially, the money she received from her mom was given to my older sister since she was going to an Ivy league school. I had to pay for my college education. I went to school full time, worked between classes on campus and waitressed at the Sheraton Hotel 3 times a week. I also did the coop program at Drexel. I worked 6 months and went to school for 6 months. I skipped the last coop and graduated in 4 years instead of 5. She was embarrassed to tell people that I went to Drexel University.
She was always critical of me and my choices. Nothing was ever good enough for her. I’ve carried that trauma over into my adult relationships. In several relationships, I felt like I was never good enough for that person. I have tried to reconcile the trauma within myself. But things have come around that triggered my trauma. I suppose I am still feeling PTSD from it, and it cannot be reconciled with her anymore since she has passed. The anniversary of her death always conjures up these feelings.
The first 4 years, I would cry on this day every year but it’s gotten easier as time as passed. The below image may be too graphic for some people but it’s an image that I can not forget.
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